Tuesday, March 29, 2005

Blogger Slows Down 85%

Washington DC (TP) – In a dramatic move that has shaken the blogging community, Blogger, a free weblog service offered by Google, has reduced its server speed by 85% as a service to its users. “Based on our research, we believe that the quality of resident blogs will increase dramatically with this move.” said Engineering Director Skip Sessions. “Blogger is committed to providing an outlet for quality blogs and this slow down should give our content providers more time to ponder some of the moronic musings that they write. We expect the quality of blogs to rise proportionally to the amount of slow down.” Asked why the company had settled on 85%, Sessions claimed that it was as slow as they could go without coming to a complete stop.

The slow down is just one of the new services offered by Blogger. A new Drivel Guard has been installed in which blog entries are completely blown away if the content is considered to be incredibly stupid. When a blogger publishes a weblog not deemed worthy of publishing, the Blogger service holds up the entry for a few minutes and then resets itself, completely dumping all of the content. “The hope is that a blogger stupid enough to write this stuff is too stupid to remember what he wrote and write it a second time.”

When questioned, Sessions stated that a particularly idiotic blog had come online a couple of weeks ago, pushing management to implement the new strategy. “We had been contemplating this move for a while because of the number of cat blogs we had been seeing. But the creation of ‘Trans Sient’s Watch’ pushed us over the edge. I mean, what kind of a stupid name is that anyway? How much should the public have to endure? It’s time to take a stand.”

When asked for a reply, the publisher of Trans Sient’s Watch weblog responded by saying, “Err, What Blog?” When asked if that was his real name he said, “Err, What Blog?”

And it’s not over yet. According to Sessions, Blogger’s research and development team is working furiously to come up with new services to reach their objective including online IQ tests for publishers and the banning of cat images all together. “We will rid the internet of this garbage even if it takes two days to publish. Time cannot deter us.”